


Donut Hole

by EJ (girlwitham4carbine)



Series: Fanfic Fanmix [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, M/M, its sad son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 20:49:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1278370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwitham4carbine/pseuds/EJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>’It was like the hole in a donut. You can’t prove there was anything there to begin with, but you know there’s something missing anyway.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not a song fic, but the song is based on "Donut Hole" by Hachi.  
> Basically Ray got into an accident and hurt his head, developing retrograde amnesia. He can remember his childhood, and even bits of him starting to work at RT up until a certain point. But he can't remember Joel.  
> (I have been so excited to put this on here, because I'm really proud of it <3)
> 
> Tumblr: http://ejraptor.com/post/70663588671/donut-hole

 

> _In many patients, their personality remains the same._

"Dude, how the fuck is your hard ass head alright after all of that?"

"You know, I may be weak as hell and can’t throw a punch, but I can take head trauma pretty well."

"Getting your ass beat in New York must have been a daily thing if head trauma is no big deal, you lucky bastard."

"They call me the king of lucky bastards Michael."

 

> _They’ll remember general knowledge about the world. But their episodic memory, their life experiences, is what’s affected._

"What is your name?"

"Ray Narvaez Jr."

"Where do you work?"

"Rooster Teeth Productions in Austin."

"What month and year is it?"

”.. June 2012.”

 

> _Depending on the severity, the patient may forget experiences with or even the names of friends, coworkers, and their lovers._

"Well, you finally get to head back to your apartment. Your idiot boyfriend is going to be happy to see you alive in one piece. He was too scared to come visit you."

"My idiot what?"

===

When Ray tried to chase after those fluttering feelings of recognition in his chest, his head would end up pounding and his vision would get spotted and blurry.

He would feel tugs of nostalgia as he met people all over again, but also guilt, having to see the bits of sadness in their eyes as they shook his hand and told him about the times they shared together, none of which Ray remembered. Everyone understood it would take Ray time to recover, and they were patient with him, as if he was the new employee all over again. Since Ray was still the same asshole who kicked everyone’s ass around the block at any and every video game, the Achievement Hunters hardly had to help him adjust back into the groove of things. And getting to see his face when he loaded up Dead Rising 3 into the Xbox One for the ‘first’ time sent them into hysterics for the rest of the day, lightening the mood in the rest of the office.

However, everyone brushed off the subject of his accident, forcefully changing the conversation or literally tip-toeing out of the room to avoid it, much to Ray’s growing annoyance. It left him to wonder about the hushed whispers and glances in the direction of upstairs whenever he began asking. The feelings of nostalgia, guilt, and chagrin lingered under his skin even as he turned the key into the lock of his apartment and plopped himself on the couch.

But there was one thing that remained in his chest as he went over the events of the day in his head, after all the other things had passed and disappeared into the void; a deep sense of loneliness. When he closed his eyes and submerged himself in this feeling, he saw a man’s hazy face with a goofy smile plastered there. His wild black hair and deep bags under his eyes were some of the few features he could make out. But as he let himself drift in his mind, he knew that this person had made him happy once, and had love him once, in a far off and distant time that Ray couldn’t fully grasp on his cheap couch cushions. He committed that face to his current memories, one more time, then a hundred times. Yet minus that overwhelming sense of love that face brought up to the surface, it came with no name, and no voice.

That night he dreamed he was walking through a green pasture, filled with wildflowers and bluebells. He was alone at first, until he saw the man’s wild hair in the distance. When he reached him, Ray was pulled close, resting against the other’s side as they continued through the field. He felt warm, happy and content, and he turned to look at the man who filled the emptiness in his heart. But as quickly as he did, harsh lights blinded him and woke him from his sleep.

===

"Goddammit Burnie! Tell me. Tell me why I can’t see him."

"Joel.. Its not that simple. Give him some time, he just got out of the hospital."

They were in Burnie’s office, long after most of their coworkers, minus some RWBY animators, had left. Joel’s hands were curled into fists and shaking, and he felt the strong desire to hit his old friend with them as hard as he could.

"You’ve dumped an insane amount of work on me, and every time I go to see him, someone stops me. At first I thought it was coincidence, but not now. What the hell is going on?!"

Burnie let out a long sigh, taking off his glasses and rubbing his face. He gave Joel a look that told him he was sorry.

“Just give him time Joel. I’m sure everything will sort itself out.”

===

It had been months since Ray’s mysterious accident no one would tell him about, and he had adjusted back into the crazy daily routine that is Rooster Teeth. But beneath the normalcy (read: antics and insanity) that was his life once again, he didn’t feel as happy as he thought he would be. Granted, he was happy to have his dream job and to have met all these amazing people, albeit for the second time. But… it still felt like something was missing.

The office was too quiet today, small chuckles and clicks of the mouse filling the usually loud and rambunctious space. Ray found his thoughts drifting back to that emptiness that left him dreaming, more and more often, of a blurry face and waking him up more alone than he was before. He wanted to to bid it depart from wracking his thoughts nearly every second of the day. He felt that deep inside him he’d never find the person who’d given him so much love and had made him feel so happy, and that made the emptiness even worse. He didn’t even have any proof this person existed in the first place.

It was like the hole in a donut. You can’t prove there was anything there to begin with, but you know there’s something missing anyway. Ray’s eyes began to sting, hot salty tears pouring from his tear ducts. He hastily rubbed them off on his sleeve, unsure why he was feeling so upset, and got back to work, ignoring as the hole in his chest grew bigger and bigger.

That night, he dreamed of the same walk. It was raining this time, just enough for Ray to feel the cold soak into his clothes, quickly chased away by the warmth of the person holding him tight. And instead of immediately fading away in the glaring lights once he turned to him, the man’s lips moved.

Ray thought he had whispered ‘I love you’.

===

Their eyes had met on accident, that goofy smile fading to form a tight line across that face he had committed to memory nearly a thousand times. He saw bright lights dance in his vision and distant screaming and the screeching of tires in his ears, only for a brief moment, and he was greeted with a feeling of deep fear. He felt the urge to run, to vomit, to do anything to get the complete and utter emptiness that slammed in him to go away.

"Ray?"

The voice was choked, barely spilling from those lips he had only seen in his dreams and if he focused hard enough on the dark void in his mind. It was like everything around them had paused. At first, Ray thought he really was dreaming, but once his names hit his ears, he knew he wasn’t. His eyes widened and he tensed, before bolting away from the man who made him feel so whole yet so empty at the same time.

The man tried to grab him before he got too far, yelling his name much louder now, and Ray let out an aching scream, ripping himself from the other and retreating to run out of the building and the few blocks back to his apartment.

He couldn’t sleep that night. The blurry face was now clear in his mind, and he had a voice, a deep dark voice that said his name with such love and affection. But today it had been laced with hurt. He looked betrayed, lost, like Ray had hurt him. Ray shivered, feeling cold, no matter how many blankets he had wrapped himself in when he made it through his door. The words ‘blanket burrito’ flashed through his mind, and Ray didn’t know where it had come from, blaming it on the same person causing him so much pain as he lay here alone.

His mind went back to that small piece of memory that assaulted him as he saw the man. Surely it was the accident that left him like this. The man must have had something to do with it, and that would make sense, as people were practically dragging each other to see Ray after he got out of the hospital, while this man was no where to be seen. He’d heard the doctors talking to Burnie about it, something about post-traumatic amnesia, which explained the flash of memory and the fear that grew in him from merely the sight of him but he couldn’t be sure what exactly he had to do with it. Still. He felt awful; the man had been so hurt by Ray’s response. But with how he reacted to seeing Ray, there was no way he could have known about his amnesia. And maybe that was for the better. He had hurt the man so deeply, and he had forgotten him as if he wasn’t important to him. He would leave him be and eventually the deep gashes in both of their chests would close up, they would be able to say goodbye and everything would be fine. Ray didn’t want to imagine him, with that goofy smirk leaving his face just like it did today. His eyes would crinkle and he would laugh at him, but it would be a bitter and hopeless laughter.

He couldn’t even remember the man’s name or his personality, but he felt like he needed to protect him in any way he could, even if it meant hurting him all the same.

===

"It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. He almost died and I deserve this.”

"Joel, none of this is your fault.."

"Then why did he run, why did he scream when I tried to touch him?! He made it seem like it was my fault, which it was. I can’t take this anymore.."

“Joel.. I didn’t want to hide this from you to begin with, but no one wanted to face the possibility of Ray having any further complications. We had no idea, especially with the nature of the accident.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Burnie?”

“You were too scared to visit him. We thought he was too doped up on the morphine to notice.” He explained Ray’s amnesia, and how it had blocked the memories after his first few months of working here, mainly anything having to do with the other man. Burnie explained how the doctors’ told them there was no real way to speed up his recovery, and prevent him from seeing things that could remind him of the accident and trigger any post-traumatic episodes.

“I thought he’d remember you by now Joel.. I’m so sorry.”

===

“Ray…”

The sad, dark voice reached his ears, and he stopped, turning to face its source and pushing down the fear that threatened to overtake him. The man was grateful, allowing a small smile, before moving closer and stopping in front of Ray. Ray frowned a little, and lowered his head, the tugging in his chest stronger than never.

“You don’t remember me do you?”

His frown grew and his head moved lower, and he gave a small nod. He almost jumped before relaxing under the gentle grip on his shoulder and he looked up into the other’s eyes.

The man looked like he was on the verge of tears, clutching at Ray’s shoulder to keep himself grounded or to keep the other man from running away, he didn’t know. The feeling of fear he had felt when he first ran into this man dissipated as he listened to the rise and fall of his breath, and he closed his eyes.

When he opened them, the man in front of him was replaced with the dashboard of a car. Ray turned to the driver’s seat, hardly seeing the person next to him in the darkness that surrounded him. He felt and heard the words escape his mouth. They were chiding remarks, and the person next to him shook with laughter, voice ringing through his ears pleasantly, like a melody.The last thing he saw before harsh headlights blinded him and the sensations of falling and flying was the name that escaped his lips.

His eyes opened, and he let out a shaky breath.

"Your name is Joel."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and reread this fic and decided to write some sort of epilogue? I dunno, even I wanted something more than my original ending tbh.
> 
> This is really quick, and not my favorite but I hope you enjoy it regardless~

Adjusting had been hard. Ray began to remember Joel little by little: his obsession with the economy, the way his hand gestures actually made perfect sense if you paid a bit of attention, even how he took his coffee in the morning compared to at night. They didn’t spend the night together in Ray’s “bachelor” apartment until months after, when they moved past the tentative touches and the akward silences that just came with the entire situation. Ray’s mind wiped all trace of Joel’s very existence. Despite it being nowhere near his fault, it simply couldn’t be forgotten and pushed under the rug. So they tackled it, ever so slowly, until they could finally put it on their shelf of history. The accident became their distant memory, both men focused on building their relationship from the ground up again. The sheepish smiles and light banter lead to those early night together, filled with sharing body heat and enjoying the other’s presence.

Joel was perfectly alright with the slow pace, more than content with Ray simply knowing his name and being graced with that smile at least once a day while at work. He definitely missed being able to wrap his arm around the younger man and call him his, while Ray threaded their fingers together and called him his. It took a lot longer than he would have wanted to be able to do that again (over a year if he had been counting correctly), and it didn’t stop him from crying in the middle of his office when Ray gave him a peck at the corner of his mouth, face hot like lava and soft like air.

Ray was just happy to feel the donut hole in his heart filling up again. His memories that did resurface took their sweet ass time in doing so, but many were replaced by new ones: the ‘first’ time they went to lunch by their lonesomes, the ‘first’ time they held hands, the ‘first’ time they got much more intimate with one another than ever before (Ray had been relishing it, he could only imagine how Joel must have felt).

They were slowly rebuilding, slowly creating what they had been anew, and they were falling in love all over again. They both always wonder what things might have been like if the accident never happened. If Joel had decided to start driving a minute earlier or later. If Ray hadn’t been in the car that night.

Honestly?

Things would have been pretty much the same.


End file.
